Being a stay at home mom is phenomenal. I have the opportunity to watch The Minion grow, learn and play. I don't have to worry about who he is with or how he is being treated. I know where he is, what he is doing, how many poops he has had for the day, and what he will eat for lunch, bugs included. But there is a darker side to all of this glamour.
1. What's on TV today?
Ask any stay at home mom "What is baby's favorite show?" and you will surely hear responses such as Dora, Sesame Street, Bubble Guppies or Little Einsteins. And as true as this is, there's a strong chance that we are not tuned in to one of those more than and hour, maybe two, per day. At any given moment, on my T.V. there's the definite possibility that the tuner is set to MTV, TLC, E!, Bravo, or any other melt-your-brain station. In my defense, watching Hoarders makes me want to clean house just a little bit more, and My 600-lb Life convinces me to only eat half of the bag of chips instead of the whole.
2. I am just as busy as I say I am.. sometimes.
We've all seen it or heard it. The "I'm a chauffeur, bank, referee, chef, therapist, laundromat, doctor, seamstress, and dentist. I'm a stay at home mom," crap. Yes I play all those roles, and sometimes more, but it's not so bad. I mean, I'm not busy ALL the time. Sometimes I get 5 seconds to myself when The Minion finds a toy he likes. Until he breaks it, then I'm a repairman. And he naps for a few hours. All though that's when the laundry gets done, toys get picked up even though they'll be strewn about as soon as he wakes up, make the bed, and set out dinner. That leaves me about 30 minutes to myself. To work. Oh yes, I also work from home. So maybe there's not much time in a day. I'm all for moms who can go back to the office after baby, but it really irks me when they say "I'm a full time mom with a full time job." Oh, are you? Because if being a stay at home mom was so easy, I don't think people would pay so much for someone else to do it for them during the day. Throw me a bone.
3. I hold it all day
I've broken many of the the "When I have kids.." rules that I set up for myself. But I do not take The Minion to the bathroom with me. I've done it twice, with horrible results. So what do I do? That's right, I hold it. All day if I have to. I wait patiently for nap time, then go. Unless he skips a nap, then The Husband wonders why I'm so grumpy when he gets home. And now he knows why.
4. I've plotted The Husband's death.. more than once.
Okay, not plotted, but I have definitely wondered what would happen if he suddenly passed. I've planned out where I would move to and how to invest the insurance money. I would sell 2 of the 3 cars and pay off the other, which I would then have painted a gaudy shade of pink, just to piss him off in his grave. The Minion and I would have a small, quaint apartment, in which I would paint the walls turquoise because I can. It would only be The Minion and myself because I am not the sole guardian of the girls, Cellphone and FaceTime. I've planned down to bank accounts for all the kids, the color of his casket and how his head stone would read "I had a smokin hot wife." True story. Love you, babe.
5. I hate other moms.
Not all of them, just some. And not personally, just their lives. Sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes I just can't handle the stupid anymore. The party all the time moms. The bikini contest 3 hours after giving birth moms.The moms that spend more time at the gym because of day care and nannies, then wonder why I'm not a size two. The Husband likes the way I jiggle like a bowl full of jell-o, and who doesn't like jell-o? That reminds me, make jell-o.
6. My baby is cuter than yours.
We all ask "Do you really think my baby is cute?" I could have given birth to Quasimodo and no self respecting person would ever tell you to your face. This is the way I convince myself that my baby really is cute, because otherwise someone would tell me. But if they ever did, they'd get a clean right hook to the nose. Then Quasimodo and myself would mosey on about our day, scaring all the neighborhood kids who looked in our general direction.
7. I've named our future children.
The Husband and I have both congruently agreed on no more children. He's got three, I have one. The two of his I have taken in as my own. I love them to death, but I still have those days where I scream out "I'm too young to have a teenager!" The Minion is good enough to be a stopping point. But I do have some time on my hands. Enough time so that if we were to conceive again, we would have a Lucille Elizabeth, Emma Leigh, or Hunter Lane. I'm sure The Husband hates all of these names, and that's all the more reason for him to be a little cautious during play time.
